19 years ago I was 21. I was in college having the time of my life. I loved dancing, the freedom of living away from home, and music…lots of music. I went out dancing 5 nights a week, minimum. It was such a release for me! It was my happiest moments…I made sure to make friends with the DJ’s so they would play the songs I requested.
But 19 years ago, today, is also the day that Kurt Cobain, one of my favorite musicians, killed himself. I remember thinking, “WHY??” and “he had everything going for him!” But yet, I GOT it. I understood. I knew that just because things look awesome on the outside, didn’t mean they were miserable on the inside. When I heard the news, I was so saddened. The world lost an amazing man that day. An artist. Someone who saw the world in a way that not everyone could, and not only could he see it in this way, but he could share his vision of the world WITH the world through his music.
As I listened to the news and the stories on the radio, I remember thinking, “Damn it. Damn you Kurt.” See, I had heard that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” So I kept trying to convince myself of that. If I could convince myself that all problems were temporary, I could get myself through anything. So that mantra went off in my head constantly. Why couldn’t Kurt have heard that message? Why couldn’t he have pushed through?? What could have been SO bad that he felt he was better off dead?? Forever.
Now, as I sit here 19 years later, I get it. So much more than I wish I did. So much better than I should. But I do. I get it. I have heard that he killed himself due to horrible abdominal pains that he could not bear having forever. He had suffered with stomach pain since childhood and some say it is the reason he started heroin. To kill the pain. When I first heard this, I thought, “come on, no pain is that bad. Take pain medicine. Deal with it.” Then, I got toxic mega colon.
So now, 19 years later, I think of him and I am again, very saddened. Sad that he is gone. But also so very sad that I understand TOO well why he killed himself. To him, this was not a temporary problem. This was a problem he was going to have forever, and he didn’t want to live that way. And I get it. I was lucky enough to finally get mine diagnosed and fixed. He wasn’t. It could have been me. It almost was.
Rest in Peace Kurt. I hope you are out of pain and still rockin’ out! xoxo